The Hungry Circus Clown

Written and Presented by Miguel A Hernandez

I keep having these dreams: thoughts of eccentric writing and of the modern day 21st century success. Lucid dreams keep me awake as I type and type away, uncertain of when the ending calls. But I write till these precious little fingers bleed out. Yes reader, dark and wicked fantasies plague and infect my head. They creep up somewhere at around a quarter past 12 am, but I forbid you not to share with anyone (besides a small circle of influences perhaps), because if you do: then I might have to kill you – and I don’t mean kill in the literal sense, but rather kill (K-I-L-L) – to make you unalive for a second and bring you into a state of ponder and into the deep psychological hell that Is the torture of the mind). Quarantine and social measures serve no purpose against the wickedness of the mind.

Keep me from writing. Will you keep me from writing? I beg of you. Please, pry my cold fingers off the keyboard; contain the spread of ink from my pen as it flows and burns through from page to page. I will tell you that history had it right: The mantra, the axiom, the stereotype of the starving artist is real. I have not eaten in six days and It’s this intense desire to melt away the flesh with every churn of high levels of acidic bile that remains within me.

So, tell me, will you stop me? Many have tried, all have failed.

The desire yearns

Kill me, it says.

Feed me, it insist.

I simply cannot. I begrudge the pettiness of the fool who falls into false illusions of mirages in the sand dunes of the sahara, walking barefoot to insure his survival. Tell me, does he stop? [….] because in the name of economic pursuit: I cannot.

I write until my fingers bleed out.

What will satisfy this intense desire? The deep pangs; the insatiable hunger? A measly cheeseburger? Surely not.

You offer me a cheeseburger, because the sight of a starving soul disturbs you. Eat it, you tell me. Eat it. Why? because I’ve not eaten for days and you wouldn’t want to see me starve? *I laugh uncontrollably as I slap away your cheeseburger* Call me a fool, call me a clown (a clown I am), but I refuse to put on a circus of consumption for you just to satisfy your demented altruistic, cancerous and empathetic side. Grow up! I refuse to pander to that part of your psyche: by eating what amounts to a clump of additives, manufactured protein and an insult to quality meat, just to ameliorate the feelings you may have of me starving. What am I a clown to you? Yes?

Well, welcome to the reality circus!

Hide, jump, laugh, cry.

Eat, eat, eat, eat. It’s a never ending consumption for you! Let the circus clown entertain, but never starve! I will trade the cheeseburgers, onion rings, and buffalo wings you bring for a spanking brand new pair of stomps 10x my size and a bucketful of cheap makeup just to mask the tears away! Food serves me no purpose – just mask it away: all the deep pain, pangs of depression and addictive suicidal thoughts on half a pound of makeup and end it all by dancing the sorrows away with clown shoes 5 times my size. Dance, jump, cry, laugh, and continue eating! But when all is said and done: write till the fingers bleed out. Patience is a virtue.

But I am neither patient, nor virtuous. So you will see me starve.

Hungry, I am. A starving artist I am not.

So, you can take the cheeseburger and your ketchup, along with those beer battered onion rings, and cayenne dipped buffalo wings and stick it. I bite the head off of snakes, before I take a bite into your virtuous cheeseburgers. I understand your marketing tactics they will not work and will never work. I get the gimmick.

So before you consider bringing me any of your pity food, consider this:

Talk is cheap, but so is a bottle of Vodka.

Understand, these dreams come and they speak to me in my sleep. They burrow deep underneath the surface of the skin, until they sink into the lungs and cause respiratory damage. They claw into the spine and mutilate the skin.

It’s not the hunger that’s going to kill me,

it’s the pain of regret.

Beer iS THe Best

3/29/20

When in doubt drink a beer.

Thirsty?

Drink a beer.

Stressed?

Beer.

Quarantined in a national indefinite lockdown and your terrified for your life and are worried that it might be the end of the world?

Talk to a therapist and get some help. otherwise….

Drink a beer.

-Cheers!

#Covid-19

To Portuguese or Not to Portuguese

MH

3/28/20

I actually like this time of isolation and self-quarantine. It’s giving me a lot of time to reflect upon the present and the future, as well as decisions that I have made in my life. This time has been a game changer as well as far as taking on interests and new hobbies that I could do to improve my life. I’ve always been someone has had an interest in learning a foreign language and I think that right now is the perfect time. In College, I took 2 semesters of Elementary french, so I’m by no means fluent, but I understand AT LEAST the basic greetings.

I’m contemplating learning portuguese. It’s kind of weird how inspiration strikes you. I was watching an interview with Cristiano Ronaldo (The Professional Football Player) and he was speaking in portuguese (seeing that I’m a native spanish speaker) I understood most of what he was trying to say, so I said: ‘I’d love to learn portuguese. It seems that its very much like Spanish so i’ll give it a try – so that is what lead me to my decision.

Yeah, I think i’d be great. There are a bunch of books i’d love to read, there are a bunch of hobbies I’d like to get into and a whole lot of interests to pursue and I think right now is the perfect time. Portuguese seems like a good start for someone with a bilingual background in Spanish.

To Portuguese or Not to portuguese? Well, seems like the perfect time. Funny where inspiration is found.

Day 13 (or so I think) Covid Quarantine. Economic Collapse of Covid-19

Written and Presented by Miguel Hernandez

Day 12 or Day 13 of the quarantine I believe. I just heard on the news that the Senate finally passed the Coronavirus Senate stimulus package and if everything goes as planned desperate Americans that are living on the margins will have a temporary financial relief provided to them by way of the government ($1200 dollars per american and $2400 per couple I hear).

What I’m worried about is how all this is how it’s going to end up impacting our currency – the inflation rates and so have you. On Twitter, I heard one of the top officials of the Federal Reserve speak and tell investors how they shouldn’t worry because there is an indefinite amount of cash reserves the the Fed can print out at any time. – Of course I’m paraphrasing, but at the core, it’s a scary thought.

I am no economist and I’m the first to admit that I am a moron when it comes to the financial market and stock markets. I am not financially savvy, but I am informed and the more Informed I become, the more knowledgeable I get.

I’d like to get more informed and I take a humble approach when it comes to learning. But what I’ve come to find out is that neither do these so called politicians and scientist that have these algorithmic models to predict the impact of the Covid-19. Sure, they know the present day impact and other countries are much better than others at predicting this disaster, but who would have predicted that the “black swan” that is the Covid-19 would have turned into a global pandemic!

Pandemic aside, the 2ndary and 3erary effects that follow the Covid-19 is something that is worrisome. People can’t work so there isn’t any money coming in, people can’t spend because of the current ‘stay-at-home’ restrictions so even if the economy suffered from a demand problem, like they currently are – they can’t spend. Businesses are going under.

It’s worrisome.

The Ambiguity of Life

The ambiguity of life can be freedom for most and a trap for some. It can feel like the same freedom that compels you to succeed in whichever endeavor you choose to be successful in: can also be the same success that keeps you shackled for years – wondering if what you are doing in life is ever the right thing. It’s this ambiguity of life that can be a blessing to some:that feed them hope, prosperity, and direction. And, it’s this same ambiguity that keeps others depressed and shackled: in states of insanity, madness, and shackles of doubt with every action taken.

Oh, life can be a beautiful thing most of the time…. Sunshine, roses, rainbows and love.

But, other times: it can be a beautiful chaotic chicken running in all directions with its head chopped off desperately looking for signs of stasis and equilibrium.

Maybe the beauty is in the chaos and madness? Who knows?

Well Hey, the beautiful paradise of Las Vegas was envisioned in a desert – so maybe chaos and hope are kissing cousins, lol?

‘Norwegian Wood’ – Haruki Murakami Quick Summary: Pages 212-257

I’ve been reading this novel from the Japanese author Haruki Murakami, ‘Norwegian Wood’ and it’s been a delightful read! As i’ve never been a strong reader myself, In comparison to others who can read 40-60 pages, probably even more in a day – I typically read around 10-15 pages a day. But the 10-15 pages is more of a requirement for myself to avoid getting burnout and actually commit to finishing and reading the novel. So, figured I would upload a quick summary on my daily read – of what I’ve read and pretty much summarize some of the memorable moments in those pages.

March 19, 2020

Pages 212-257 (45 Pages)

Pg 212-220

Watanabe (main protagonist), is having a conversation with Reiko (his crushes best friend Naoko) about a lesbian encounter she had when she was younger.

Watanabe returns to Tokyo, from the rehab facility in which his female friend that he has a crush on (Naoko) has been living in for the past year. Watanabe spent three days in the rehab facility in which his childhood friend had been staying, and his return to Tokyo left him perplexed on how people relate in the real world. It’s as if he had completely forgotten or was oblivious to how he was living and what people were like before his stay in the facility. He can’t seem to grasp a sense of understanding to the outside world and feels that this world is completely different. He struggles to understand how people can continue living the way in which people have been living, leaving him slightly disturbed afterwards.

Pg 220-235

In those days that he spent at the rehab facility, Watanabe recalls the sexual tension he had with his crush, Naoko, and he recalls on the second night where she completely undressed herself for him – in a casual unintentional, but in a very much intended way for him to notice. He’s on the subway train back from his job at the record shop and he can’t seem to get those thoughts out his head. He can’t seem to get Naoko out of his head. He’s been completely mesmorized by her beauty and has been replaying those same fantasies in his head, ever since his return.

He meets with one of his University Alumni’s, Midori, and they both grab drinks and talk about life. Midori picks up on his weird vibe, and she questions him as to why is so spaced out. He seems weird, and they only saw each other about a week ago. At the bar, as the drinks keep going the conversation turns more casual and relaxed and she relays a more direct approach – essentialy, she lets out her intentions with him and lets him know that she would like to sleep with him, but still in a very flirtacious manner. He’s very oblivious to these signald, because all he sees her as is just a friend, and he is till thinking about the beautiful Naoko that he left behind.

Pg. 235-257

Watanabe and Midori meet after they had agreed upon meeting again that night they went out for drinks. Midori mentions that she has to go to the hospital to go care for her dad and Watanabe, to his understanding, asked her to clarify that statement. Watanabe was under the assumption that Midori’s father was living in Uruguay after she spoke briefly about the fact that her father abandoned her and her sister, after her mothers death, because the father wanted to get away. -this was mentioned a week ago, when they last saw each other.

She let’s him know that is was actually a lie. Her father had actually never left to Uruguay, but he had grand aspirations to start a new life there and mentioned it all the time how he would escape to Uruguay, but the man never dared.

Basically, they get to know each other more in the hospital and Watanabe realizes how much of stressful life she’s living managing the family business (which is just her and her sister who run a bookstoe), to going to school full-time, and taking care of her father 4 days of the week – to even having enough time to ‘date’ around and spend time with Watanabe – which she cleary has feelings for. He realized that even after recognizes that Midori can be such a big flirt with him, the girl only is looking for means to have fun – a way of escapism, to get under all the stress in her life and relax and enjoy herself.

He acknowledges the fact and comments on the fact that she should have a break and offers to take care of her father, while she went to clear her head for a few hours. After careful consideration and much hesitation, she agrees and Watanabe becomes in charge of the duties/responbilies of caring for her father until she returns.

…. I think this a great book, although, it can feel pretty long at times. I’m glad that I picked up this one and would recommend to anyone who is considering a good read. It tackles the themes of adolescent sexuality, and the struggles and hardships of maintainign friendships from a male perspective.

Calm down… We have enough toilet paper for EVERYBODY!

Jesus Christ…a global pandemic!?

How did we get to this disaster?

It’s moments like this that the world feels futile, that it all feels like it’s going to come to the end; the end of the world. If you manage to stay up to date on the news, then it can easily feel that way with all the media and the toilet paper panic buying – from your neighborhood Walmart to the giant Costco you have to drive, on the other side of the city. It seems futile. It’s fatalism at it’s finest…Depending on what spectrum of information you sit on, you either believe that this was a bioweapon engineered by the Chinese, to a really bad case of bat soup, to even the more radical stories that the virus may have begun in the US (all it takes is an internet search and you can find all crazy kind of theories about anything) – Regardless, I tend to believe that the massive population in China (around 2 Bill) becomes a vulnerability that makes viruses like these easily transmitted which puts the Chinese citizens at risk. It makes any virus or contagion spread like a wildfire because in a city like Wuhan (15 Mill I believe) a single case can become a national emergency within hours, because of the proximity of every person around each other. It’s a ratio of person-to-sq.foot (my own ratio for comprehension), that even makes it logistically possible for something as small as virus to spread so quickly. I don’t know the entire story or origin of where this virus came from, but what I do know: is that now we have it and it’s needs containment; we are riding in a crazy train of uncertainty and passing by Chaos town with every minute because at this point: it’s safe to say that nobody really knows much of anything, nobody really knows – I surely don’t; the presidents and elected officials seem to have no clue as to where the trajectory of this mad max chaos train is headed. It’s a chaotic world full of uncertainty. It’s chaos and panic spreading lik entire wildfires across the globe within weeks. Poor China – I honestly feel bad for the citizens of Wuhan and I hope that they power and manage to get through this (as we all should) because we will overcome this, but in the meantime: we are going to have get by on 90’s reruns and ramen noodles, lol. But we will get through this and again, no need to panic/freakthefuckout and run to your supermarkets and hoard all the toilet paper in town.

It’s equal opportunity for all.

If one is going down, then we are all going down. If one smells like crap, then we all smell like crap! We should all have the equal opportunity to wipe our own asses with the magic that is toilet paper. I feel like this pandemic is the metaphorical equivalent to a rollercoaster (Not your regular rollercoaster, but more like the one in Final Destination where initially, everything was all good; but as you get closer and closer to the end, you start feeling the fear and uncertainty the minute you see tracks falling off in front of you, and the rollercoaster bouncing from side to side – feeding us with the uncertainty of what might happen next – only to find out that everything we experienced was a bad dream and that we will eventually be ok. The rollercoaster of chaos with all its ups and downs, twists and turns, and chaos & uncertainty – It’s all a bad dream Karen – that’s all it ever was.)

Indeed, I agree that this has been a terrible start to the month of March; more to the point – this decade, the way media and lockdown restrictions have progressed on a day-by day basis, because of this nasty virus. So, In efforts to curve the global pandemic that is the Coronavirus much of the world is currently on ‘lockdown’ as you can say. Everything from sporting events canceled, to music festivals (here in Austin the much-anticipated film and music festival SXSW was canceled to contain the virus from spreading) and to Cinemas and restaurants.

So, to all I say good luck and stay safe in this tragic pandemic.

Hey, but at least now there isn’t any excuse to put off the reading those books or binge watching those tv shows everybody is going on about on Facebook.

Here’s to the start of the New Year I guess.

-MH

Progress for my Challenge

I set out a set of challenges to complete for this week and some even for the entire month of March. One of those challenges – the requirement was publish a post daily for an entire week for this blog and so far so good, but I’m writing this one because I actually missed Monday’s requirement. So, I guess I’m posting an extra one to make up for Monday and I want to stick with the goals that I’ve set for myself and remain consistent.

I’ve met the weekly limit of energy drinks that I set for myself (which was 3)

My Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami novel is going great

I’ve only been drinking water and coffee so far – so there Is that!

I’ve got to practice and remain being more consistent and I believe eventually I’m going to reach my set target.

Hopeless Romantic: My emotional attachment mistakes in the world of ‘singledom’

Written and Presented by Miguel Hernandez

I’m feeling kind of dumb and stupid. As single guy, it seems that all my issues of unhappiness stem from projecting my “happiness” onto the shoulders of another person (specifically, an attractive stranger) thinking that one day there will be happiness. I blame my gender: We men can never get past this unhealthiness of projecting our romanticism and false illusions of happiness and hope onto the beautiful women that pass us by daily – especially if you find yourself feeling incredibly lonely at times, then it feels like: “If only I can get that beautiful girl then everything will ok. She’s the answer.” *sighs* We love to project these false illusions of happiness onto them. We would like to believe that they are going to cure us of our loneliness, insecurities, and self-doubt women must be the answer we stupidly believe.

Love cures all

I genuinely believe that men get the short end of the stick when it comes to dating (most of the time) and experience these feelings because we men are the more romantic gender. We are the hunters, yet women have all the cards in their favor because they have the final say! They are more selective. It makes sense! Just leave it to the lonely guy (who remedies his feelings of loneliness with a boatload of alcohol in order to numb feelings away) to tell you!! It’s all because we falsely believe that women will cure us of all our unhappiness – placing them on this magical-beautiful pedestal. Our goddesses will save us! I feel stupid because this is something that I have struggled with in the past. Overtime, I’ve gotten much better, but from time to time the feeling of desperation creeps up. It’s like I want her to save me from my own misery and I feel incredibly stupid for that. Falling for the same trap time and time again. It’s the curse of man – his biggest weakness: a beautiful attractive female to sooth the shittyness of his life. Then after come the flowers and then the roses… If only women knew of the such tragedy, that has plagued men since the dawn of humanity (many have died from alcohol poisoning of the heartbreak itself). I felt stupid for failing to have the self-awareness and being able recognize this unhealthy pattern of (basically) just placing my happiness onto the shoulders of some cute stranger sitting across from me. It’s good to laugh, it’s good to smile, but I feel since we men are visual creatures by nature: we fall into this trap frequently (Women? They must feel something first before any one of us even gets a chance to get our name across to her). So we become seduced because the loneliness: it’s an anchor of pain waiting to dock. We become enticed by the visual stimuli around us: that it’s becomes easy to fall into this trap – even easier to become pray for exploitative women: who like to prey on vulnerable men (emotionally), but that’s another discussion.

I’ve taken measures to take control of my happiness (but you know what the say ‘bad habits die hard’). Adding to that, men tend to project into the future because we like to visualize how our imagined future would be much better and much happier with our one and only. But we must recognize that the other person we are imagining and placing on this ‘magical pedestal’ is a person with their own fears, desires, insecurities. They have their own map of the world independent of your’s. I love to write, because it helps me put things into perspective, and my writing is an indicator of how much I’ve progressed: from where I am to where I need to be: to become the type of man I know I can become.

See her as she really is.

See her as the flawed goddess: with all her imperfections because nobody is perfect, but If she can complement your life, then the aim isn’t to find Ms. Perfect: the aim is to find the person who can complement your idea of the perfect life.

Two imperfect lovers, riding of into the sunset, heading to their perfect destination: Creating a perfect world for each other.

Because with all the stunted perceptions of reality we have (i.e social media) the most perfect idea is knowing WHO you want and WHAT you want.

—- MH

P.S To any woman out there that I may have blamed and made responsible for my unhappy life: I apologize from the bottom of my heart. It’s my responsibility and my own life that I must fix before I can even fathom of bringing you into my world.

I apologize for making you the scapegoat of this unhappy novella that I call life.

Kicking off this week

Written and Presented by Yours Truly

Kicking off this week I have some exciting challenges that I want to partake for this month of March.

They’re a couple ‘Do try’ tasks that I want to try out for say, maybe a week, to see If I could stay consistent and achieve what I set out to accomplish. You know Pancake goals as they say out here on the streets.

They’re not astronimical goals by any means, but really challenges that I want to implement to kick me off in the right direction

  • I’m currently reading this book by an author that I’ve been eagerly waiting to read his work – Haruki Murakami, a Japanese writer, which I’ve been told his Norwegian Wood novel is one of his bestsellers – and so far so good! The challenge for this book is to read a daily requirement of 15 pages daily minimum (I’ve been reading closer to 30-40 pages a day) through setting this minuscule challenge.
  • Write One post a day, for this blog, for this entire week. I want to see If I can do this one
  • Lord knows I’ve gotten down and dirty with my caffein habits, specifically, when it pertains to Red-bull and Monster (I’m usually drinking about 2 of them a day). So I have to reduce the amount of energy drinks I consume a day, although I’m not trying to eliminate them completely (maybe 1 or 2 per week), but still, a much better improvement then 2 or 3 per day.
  • In addition, to drinking an godly unhealthy amount of Energy drinks: I want to eliminate any sugary drinks from my diet and only allow myself to drink water or coffee, and of course maybe 1 or two energy drinks per week. Maybe try this small tweak for the entirety of the month (This is my 1st week drinking only water and coffee and soon, I expect to only be drinking water – without the coffee.)
  • Being the business eccentric Badboy that I believe I am (Shut Up, this is my blog and I make the rules here!) Kidding! I guess my objective in this here challenge, is to read a daily article, ONE article, relating to business and entrepreneurship. Honestly, It will probably be somewhere closer along the lines of Fin-tech (Financial Technology), as my recent interest have alined closer that and maybe even Blockchain, crypto, or the Real Estate market. I think it would be fair to say that it may be one of those; the rules require I do this for the entire week. And expand my knowledge in order to grow and offer something to contribute to myself and the world.

What is the purpose of these repulsive challenges you ask?

Why nothing much, my dear reader. Only to seek satisfaction through the actions themselves.

Inner growth, curiosity, and detachment of outcome (You know all those great things Buddha has preached in his philosophy through years.)

These are the requirements and the success criteria I have set for myself.

Not to publish a NYT bestseller

Not even to get six pound abs (although, it wouldn’t hurt of course).

Not even to become a multimillionaire blogger. Those aren’t my aspirations. Those aren’t even my satisfactions

Simply satisfaction through action

and a strong desire to learn more about myself

and what I can accomplish through this pathway of action and success.

True Detachment from outcome.

MH

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